Christian Testimony - Part 2
Last Updated: 18 February 2021
Delusional Disorder
I developed an interest in holistic health and started using a pendulum in 2012. Narcissism, OCD and gullibility encouraged me to believe whatever information I 'found' using the pendulum, and reinforcing it, whereupon my whole reality spiralled out of control and went psychotic for 3 months. The delusional disorder took on conspiratorial, religious and esoteric themes, and increasingly occult themes.
Initially I was asking questions about supplements and about the universe, which was reinforcing my belief in God albeit in a more new age manner. I determined that a particular Christos Beest Order of Nine Angles tarot deck that I'd bought 2 years before, which was full of gory images, had some special properties and that the crystal included with the deck was beneficial but also that looking at the cards for a short duration every day was beneficial.
I brought the deck and crystal along to a holistic health practitioner I had been seeing at the time and she verified with her pendulum that the crystal was beneficial but also that by keeping the deck in close proxmity to my body that it speeded up her treatment like on no other visit. I also brought her various symbols I'd printed out that I had determined were beneficial for me in some way, including various new age symbols, the O9A symbol, a Luftwaffe Swastika and the Black Ram Anarcho-Swastika. She confirmed what she thought was the varying beneficial qualities to me, and I informed her that I was relieved I didn't have to have the Luftwaffe Swastika tattooed to my arm as she didn't think it was so beneficial. In hindsight I think I was in a manic stage which may have been why this things occurred at the appointment and she must have been a bit 'out there' in her new age ideas to have entertained it all.
I had been talking to a facebook friend about divination and using a pendulum, and told him I'd been using it to ask questions about the universe and such forth, and to find out information I was not party to, and he told me that whilst using a pendulum can be useful, it can never tell you about thing that you don't already know or that is buried inside your brain, and there is no way you can find out information about the external environment unless through memory or intuition. I thanked him for his advice but completely ignored it as I strongly believed that I was able to determine things in the psychic realm. I did not speak to him after that.
After about 4 weeks of using my pendulum for up to 8 hours a day (OCD and total loss of perspective), things spiralled out of control when I thought I'd been cursed by an ex-girlfriend, which was made worse by a friend's unhelpful suggestion that she might still be on my facebook friends list spying on me using an alias, and 'discovered' that I was possessed, a classic psychotic symptom. At the same time I believed that I was psychically in contact with dozens of people from facebook and my past, and that my uncle was the leader of the O9A, which I then believed to be an anarchist secret society that controlled all the main Satanist and Luciferian organisations such as the Church of Satan, Temple of Set and others, and that my uncle had written NAOS and The Satanic Bible, and that Luciferianism was just a front for Satanism. I believed the O9A was a sister organisation to the Skull and Bones, which was more libertarian and conservative in nature, and both organisations were in opposition to the Council of Foreign Relations (CFR). I believed I was part of a secret society, and one of the most gifted psychics in the last few hundred years. I believed that the O9A were psychically trolling me and interfering with my pendulum results and that I could communicate with them through the pendulum.
The spirit possessing me I believed to be a Dybbuk, a Jewish woman called Amarise, who had been alive in the 1600s. I believed she had inhabited my childhood bedroom for several hundred years and attached herself to me, even though the house was only 50 years old or so. I believed she was draining my chi continually and that she was trapped in my body and that she wanted me to exorcise her. At first I thought I'd come up with a way to send her energy so she wouldn't drain me, using orgonite and various other accessories, but then I realised this was a lie and that I needed the exorcism. I believed the only way to achieve this was to buy the Deluxe copy of The Psalter Of Cain (Andrew Chumbley, Daniel Schulke, Xoanon Publishing), not the standard version so I imported it from the USA. At this time I believed that I'd come upon a huge discovery and that I intended to write a book about it, and how spirit attachments were likely responsible for mainly health conditions. I told my holistic health practitioner and my father without giving too much away and they thought it sounded exciting, not knowing I was psychotic. I contacted one of my facebook friends who I thought had one such spirit attached and told him that I'd need him to sign a non-disclosure agreement before I could give him any details.
When the book arrived, I saw that there was no exorcism ritual in it and then 'determined' that the whole 'Dybbuk' episode had in fact been a prank perpetrated by my O9A uncle. At around this time I started buying other occult books, not to actually read them, as I could barely concentrate for more than a few minutes as a time because of the mania, but to use them to place pendants upon to 'charge' them (Goetia of Dr Rudd, Book of Azazel, Liber Falxifer II, Emanations tarot deck). Some of these books I placed under chairs and my bed as I thought they would 'energise' me.
I had the idea that I needed to keep the magical and real world separate, i.e. if I thought I'd communicated with someone psychically then I would not let on when I saw them in the real world. And I could not complain about anything a person had done in the real world when I thought I was communicating with them psychically. Retaliation for a bad magical act had to be met with equivalent magic and return payment or thanks for a beneficial magical act had to be given back the same. Payments for physical acts had to remain physical, i.e. monetary payment for gardening services etc. Payback for a real world malicious act had to be returned using one's leverage or power in the real world and not through magical means, and if you don't have the leverage then you just have to take it on the chin. To a large degree, this prevented me from doing anything too stupid. However, I did send a few people some odd emails and messages as I thought they were party to other information and knowledge and were really someone else.
Some of these emails were of a rude nature, mainly inspired by my new found 'don't suffer fools gladly' philosophy which was a response to all the perceived psychic trolling I believed I was receiving. One example was when Ryan Anschauung sent out another newsletter visible to all recipients for the second time, which I believed was a deliberate act to troll me and everyone else, rather than a computer or intoxicated blunder, and I was feeling confident and spelled it out in no uncertain terms, which I would never have done previously, I would probably have been passive aggressive about it. However I also tried to be reassuring and gain kudos, namely that I proudly announced that my security was military grade and that I had deleted his newsletter emails from my email client and saved them with military grade encryption, which would have made sense if I had the only copy, but it was emailed out to 30 other people. From memory he did the same thing again twice more during the delusional disorder but at that point I believe I just ignored it.
I sent several email to one of the reps at the AIM Program, which is an expensive treatment programme where you send them your photograph and they fire certain laser frequencies at it to allegedly aid with your health. I believed that it might be possible for them to energise my 'Dybbuk' using the same principle, although clearly I had no photograph and we were discussing whether it would be possible to run the programme on the deceased using a painting.
I also messaged a few friends, my holistic health practitioner and a few random people on facebook who had liked my page that they had the beginnings of breast cancer. My holistic health practitioner appreciated the input and said she ought to have it looked at again. A friend from the LRS totally freaked out and was really angry that I was divining something so personal without asking her permission and also that I can't just rely on one source of divination to determine if something is a definite fact or not, which I brushed off as I believed my divining was always accurate despite my results constantly contradicting themselves. She has never quite forgiven me for that even thoough I profusely apologised and explained I had been psychotic.
The overall boost in confidence lasted beyond the delusional disorder, and I found it amusing to troll my friends in a lighthearted way in facebook groups geared towards just joking around, although this was described by one member as being 'anti-anti'. In the months afterwards, I ended up getting friendly with one LRS member and her friend and were discussing 3 ways and 4 ways which I had never done before, although it was perhaps a bit much as I was still a little emotionally fragile afterwards for some months. During the delsuional disorder whilst 'talking' to the 'main troll' persona, I said I would join their O9A group again and troll their asses off.
With the trolling, testing and training theme in the overall delusion, I thought I was being tortured or punished to toughen me up and to teach me to look after myself and to learn magical skills within the O9A, such that I might over time be able to counteract the psychic interference and 'trolling' I was receiving from other supposed members. I also believed that if I 'told' one member psychically something, everyone else would know instantly, and that they had a secret facebook group or similar with a wall up about what I was up to and what I was thinking or saying, much like The Truman Show. At first I expected real world remuneration from those I believed I was to be working with, but when it does not arrive, instead of this being evidence that the whole story was a fabrication, I determined that it was a lie and that they would in reality only reward my psychically, which is a rather convenient way if you deep down don't want to admit something is a fabrication and want to lie to yourself. It could equally just be the creativity of the subconscious coming up with these notions in an effort to protect itself.
In terms of being able to function as a normal human being, the psychosis was very much compartmentalised to a large degree, so beyond my ideas about people being involved who I'd known in the past and presently as well as famous people and people I'd been emailing for business dealings and purchases, I was able to eat, sleep, cook, order supplements, go out to post letters when needed, talk to my gardener, to shopping delivery drivers, my rental agent etc. In terms of being able to work, I found it hard to concentrate as I was so manic and had these different ideas and perceived priorities tugged me in different directions continually. Earlier on in the disorder I was able to do about an hour's work on continuing with some web site development but after that I didn't return to it for another 2 months after I'd snapped out of it. I changed web host for my personal web site during this time also, without any issues, which is described further below.
I was sleeping less than normal and felt exhausted much of the time, but felt manic during the daytime and in the evenings. I would spend about 8 hours a day using the pendulum and the rest of the time I'd be looking on line for images and symbols which I thought were relevant to the conspiracy, playing music videos that I thought had lyrics relating to how I felt and in particular the themes that the delusional disorder was taking on and occasionally looking at hardcore porn. I would spend hours every day mumbling to myself in a very low voice, when communicating to the perceived psychic audience, whilst using the pendulum. My hours were broadly speaking similar to before the disorder with slightly shorter sleep times as a result of trying to fit in so much pendulum usage in each day. Occasionally I totally lost track of time or felt compelled to resolve a particular 'psychic communication' as it was highly emotionally charged, which might throw out my normal meal times out by an hour or so.
Some mornings my breakfast that I'd prepared was left cold for 2 hours whilst I used the pendulum to deal with some 'emergency'. Nothing much physically happened during the delusional disorder, I just stayed in nearly the entire time, although I spent some time in the garden, but most of this was spend using the penulum. However internally it felt like a rollercoaster ride. I took some photographs during the delusional disorder when I was feeling happy and looking at them afterwards they were somewhat intense but I didn't look that different to how I was before. It was only when interacting with people that I felt I had to look sharp that I came across as perhaps a little odd.
Whenever I had a grocery delivery I would follow the driver closely behind from the front door to the kitchen to make sure he didn't go into any of my other rooms or see any of my occult themed apparel I'd laid out.
I had been seeing my holistic health practitioner and an osteopath prior and at first I believed that I was going to be introduced to Zeena Schreck (LaVey) in the waiting area of my osteopath, and that we were going to share a flat together in the USA, but then I determined that in fact my osteopath would try to curse me if I went to see him and was in close proximity with him for 30 minutes. I also believed my holistic health practitioner was deliberately trying to fool me and might also try to curse me if I went to see her, so I did not see any of them. I believed that the IgG blood spot test I had for allergies was in fact just performed with divination and that I could do it myself just as well, if not better.
I believed it was possible to stop interference from these psychic personas by writing their name on a piece of paper and putting it inside a special O9A heptagram, so I had my spare room covered in such printed out heptagrams. I also believed it was possible to minimise 'outside' interference when using pendulum by standing in the middle of a pentagram so I had bought a couple of Wiccan style altar cloths for this purpose.
I hardly left the house in 2.5 months, perhaps a couple of times to post letters etc. for reasons I will elaborate on more below. Earlier on in the disorder I became violently ill with diarrhea, I felt hot and exhausted all the time and lost my appetite, which lasted for about a week, and I even didn't quite make it to the toilet one time and actually sprayed diarrhea on the bathroom wall. Of course I blamed this on the psychic trolls in the O9A and thought they'd fired some kind of magical ball at me that caused me to be ill, to try to kill me, as some kind of Neo-Darwinian rite of passage. I believe in hindsight it likely came from bacterial or parasitic food contamination of some sort, either cross contamination or undercooking, although I was not aware of eating any undercooked food at the time.
I believed that those people I was in psychic contact with had different identities, such that they used facebook profiles but had stolen the pictures from the internet or had hired someone to be a stand in and we using these profiles to pose as someone else. I also believed that each person might have multiple such identities or indeed be the same people as the well known occult authors writing under a nom de plume. I thought everyone I knew with a few exceptions were involved and I would look at them intensely when I saw them expecting some sort of knowing eye contact, and when I received an intense look back, I would take it as proof of my suspicions. I believed that a number of celebrities were involved, including famous Satanists and members of the British Royal Family.
I kept a spreadsheet of all the names and identities associated with those names and expanded and edited the list as I went along and in the final version there were 225 names. I believed there were likely many different layers of identity associated with each person and that with divination I might only be able to dig down a layer or two but no more but might never discover their true identify or who else they are pretending to be.
I thought there were a number of celebrities who all fancied me, of differing dispositions, some nasty trolls and others nice, and that I could have 'psychic sex' with them, which was basically a narration of various spicy sex acts and role playing in my own mind, that they could 'hear' psychically and that I could gauge their responses by using the pendulum. This was just a penulum exercise and did not involve any actual masturbation although I found it arousing. This became a regular occurrence and I believed I had a queue of horny women all wanting 'psychic sex' with me, a form of erotomania. When this all started I was practically 'revirgined' after becoming a Christian and hadn't looked at any porn in a couple of years, so it was a way of being creative in exploring sexual fantasies in a way I had never done before and boosting my sexual confidence, even if it meant that I was sat at home alone the entire time.
Another thing that pushed me over the edge was a correspondence with an East European Satanist girl on facebook who I started messaging asking her odd questions, as I believed she was the same person as an internet ex-girlfriend from a Christian dating site who I'd spoken with on the phone. I also thought she was another girl I spoke to on the phone from myspace who was clearly a completely different person than the former, with a different personality and accent. I also thought she was the same person that I'd met in Florida. I told her all of this and she just went along with it for her own amusement which encouraged me to speculate further, rather than telling me I was crazy. I complained about this afterwards after apologising of course. It seems people don't unfriend you on facebook for being completely insane, but they will unfriend you for other reasons!
I also believed at one stage that I was in contact with all the Formula 1 drivers and that I could put thoughts into their dreams to improve their racing and familiarity with a circuit or to put them more in touch with their Shadow self, and so on. At first I thought they were going to pay me, then I 'realised' that given the psychic/real world separation that they could only repay me psychically, so I had various trades going, where I would receive what I thought was Reiki (it felt like it) in return. However, I believed a number of these personas were trying to cheat me as many of them 'never paid up' in return services!
As I thought all these external persons could hear my thoughts, I became very self-conscious and one time I was sat in the sofa reading a cheesy car magazine and the language used was so corny I thought I could feel my reading of it being heard and just couldn't continue reading it as I felt embarrassed. The same thing happened to music I was listening to, I felt awkward about putting on this one binaural beats relaxation CD as I'd played it so many times before, it made me feel like a loser. This also affected me when I was creating passwords, I thought the password could be read from my mind so that I started creating noise in my head to disguise the thoughts of the password characters. I felt it should be as noisy as possible so I came up with a cacophony of drums and distorted guitar with repeated shouting over the top.
The notions or information I had 'discovered' kept changing constantly, which I put down to pendulum interference from other members, which was a test to make me try to overcome it as well as a form of trolling, but each time I discovered something new, I instantly disregarded what I believed previously and regarded the 'new discovery' as gospel truth. Everything I discovered felt so right to me, more than anything had ever felt before, but it is quite common I understand if one's ego has gotten totally out of control and one constructs theories about the world all of which revolve around oneself. To make matters worse, when I would divine various questions, I would come up with conflicting answers frequently, and somehow I believed that certain things could be true and false at the same time. It did not occur to me that this would be an indicator that the whole thing was a fabrication of my mind and not real.
I used every outcome of a situation to further my own argument, to either back it up directly or exactly what I'd expect someone to say if they were trying to deny something, so no matter what someone did I could use a few suspicions or a general vibe to construct wildly fabricated narratives and beliefs about them, often unlined by paranoia, as if their lives revolved around me. Some people take it personally when they hear that a psychotic patient make an accusation about them, and wonder how they could think such a thing when they are totally not like that and without any proof, but that is to miss the point and assume that normal rules of logic and evidence apply which they do not. The psychotic is unable or unwilling to differentiate between physical evidence and their own imaginary world and their twisted interpretations, giving them all equal weight; and if anything if physical evidence or historical facts work against their argument they can be explained away in some manner no matter how implausible like a deranged narcissist would do.
I was aware that one explanation of my experiences was that I was psychotic, what at the time I understood to be 'schizophrenic'. However, I would make frequent jokes to my psychic associates about this saying I was schizophrenic which I found hilarious because I was so sure that it was not true it was totally absurd. I kept repeating this over and over and got many laughs out of it. I had an alternate facebook account that I created during the delusion that I felt was 'safe' and 'unknown' by unwanted rival organisations and in the profile description I entered 'Schizophrenic like those two bitchez in Fight Club' which also amused me, but it might have been taken literally by some who observed my behaviour! None of whom were any help at all and just ignored it all, with one exception who one time asked if I was ok, but that was it, and I replied that yes I was fine.
I believed that the O9A used to frequently fake their own deaths and I believed that a deceased aunt was actually still alive and a deceased work colleague was still alive and secretly working in the office, although I never actually went into the office during the delusional disorder.
At one point I believed I had 'superpowers' that could affect physical reality. Examples of this were ideas that I could make someone feel a physical punch in the stomach but focussing on them and looking at them and doing a punch in the air. I tried this on an OAP neigbour, not sure why I picked him in particular, perhaps as he was the only person I could see out of my bedroom window, and was disappointed when it did not work, and assumed this had been a false idea put into my head by trolling interference. I also believed I could make someone ejaculate or urinate in their pants through thought alone although I never actually observed it (I tried it out on an old school friend I hadn't seen for years) but I think we can safely assume it did not work!
I believed I could perform Reiki on myself and other psychic personas towards the end of the delusional disorder. I had never actually learnt Reiki, nor had had a Reiki initiation prior, but through divination I determined that I could initiate Reiki by thinking or verbalising the command to start. This isn't actually that different to how more New Age or Channelled forms of Reiki work in the real world. I was able to feel tingling and warm, pleasant feelings in my body when I did this, which felt like a great perk. I would initiate the Reiki session and repeat the phrase 'increase the intensity to maximum' a number of times and it felt like it was getting more intense incrementally each time. I also had a similar command which was 'flood my body with Qi from outside universe' which could be run in parallel to the 'Reiki' session, increasing the combined effect, and I could similiarly increase the intensity of it by repeating the same 'increase the intensity to maximum' command several times. I also believed I had an 'unblock meridians' command I could use, which I felt used up my energy. I also had a 'stimulate the endocrine system' command that I used, which I felt used up my energy. During occasions where I thought that multiple persons were sending me 'Reiki', I determined with my pendulum that these were in fact not coming from these people at all but from myself and I was unconsciously sending 'Reiki' to myself, not that I didn't think these other psychic entities didn't exist, but that it was a kind of trick that was being played on me. I also believed that someone was taking down my Reiki sessions through psychic interference as they kept clearing down by themselves after a short time so I would keep having to regenerate them.
I also started saying various positive affirmations to myself in the belief that they had an immediate beneficial effect, more so that what most people attribute to saying affirmations. These affirmations however didn't particularly feel like they were doing much compared with the 'Reiki' type affirmations I said to myself which had a huge effect in terms of sensation. I had never really bothered saying affirmations before, or for very long as I lacked motivation. These new affirmations included:
- I am sleeping deeply
- I feel strong
- I feel healthy
- I feel fit
- I feel full of energy
- I feel mentally calm
- Digestion is very good
- I can figure out every situation that arises
A common theme during the delusional disorder was of being toughened up and trained in magical skills so I could look after myself within this secret society, to stop them picking on me and torturing me. I believed I was being taught certain techniques to blot someone out of my mind and to stop their psychic interference. This was in the form of visualisation of certain sequences of symbols or images of my choosing, to denote certain commands, such that I would practice visualising these symbols in sequence in mind so it became automatic, and when I was taking the bins out I would be practising these sequences.
In conjunction with my frequent 'psychic sex' scenarios, or fantasises/role playing, and increased viewing of pornography, I also explored the other end of the spectrum where I believed I could visual a scenario and make the other person feel it through using the pendulum. I believed I was doing this technique on various women who were harrassing mme psychically and interfering with my divination. In particular, it took on a gory angle whereby I would visualise various horror film / splatter movie type violent acts against said persons usually involving swords. This I believed was disliked by those on the receiving end and allowed me to salvage a sense of self-respect, that I wasn't to be messed with (excessively) - which I believed I was all the time in fact, but still! In conjunction with this, I would more regularl look at the O9A tarot cards, particularly the gorier and topless women images, which I'm sure I was not alone in doing, being amongst largely male purchasers!
There were heavy paranoid themes within the delusion which began fairly early on. If I was to leak out any serious information about my organisation, I believed that I would be 'fitted up' for a crime and spend 20 years in prison. I became very anxious about security and in particular the records I kept of the magical techniques I thought I was being taught psychically and also the list of names and associations of organisation members. I kept the files password encrypted on my computer and kept a print out hidden in a plastic bag in the freezer in the garage, in the event my computer was stolen and I lost my back up hard drive which I always carried with me when I went out to the post office for 5 minutes. I also brought the print out with me whenever I went out. I was reluctant to leave the house because I thought I might be attacked or robbed whilst in the car, or that the house might be broken into. I was also nervous about security when in bed and whenever any contractors had to come over as I suspected they might be trying to find my print out. A boiler engineer, whilst in the garage, saw a Thelemic hexagram that I'd printed out and stuck to the electricity meter which I thought was giving me EMF protection, and smiled and chuckled slightly to himself as he took the meter readings.
I previously mentioned the 'health discovery' I was working on to my holistic health practitioner who thought it sounded very interesting. After some weeks, I arrived at the conclusion that all her practice was fake and that she was trying to trick me and also using a fake name, with no actual evidence, so I posted back some homeopathic type vials she previously gave me to demonstratively suggest that I wasn't to be made a mug out of.
During the delusional disorder I had believed that my cleaner had been looking at my computer password manager and my emails on instruction from a former work colleague. I believed my passwords had been compromised and went about changing them all. I emailed my cleaner to ask her if she could come in a couple of times for free as my cash flow was a bit tight, which was a deliberate attempt on my part to let my cleaner know what I thought she was up to and to make up for lost time of having to change all the passwords. I informed my father and he was shocked. She replied that she hadn't been coming that long to do any work for free. I had a cleaning firm come over for an interview and quote and the woman who arrived seemed slightly detached which I believe was because she was one of the few people not involved in this conspiracy.
Earlier on in the delusional disorder, I believed I could divine anything with my pendulum and started asking questions about my deceased alcoholic aunt, and determined that she had been raped by my grandparents at their summerhouse when she was a child. I decided to contact my uncle by email and inform him of this and how I'd discovered a new method of determining historical facts. He never replied and that was the last time we communicated. Prior to this we had gotten along ok on facebook despite my father and him having fallen out many years before.
After divining about my spirit sigil painting, I 'determined' that it was fact painted for someone else and that it was a practical joke to make me look stupid. In order salvage self-respect, I decided to destroy it, and cut it up into small pieces and threw it in the waste bin, so that if any trace of it was found, it could not be pieced together so no one would know what it was and what my esoteric interests were.
One night earlier on in the delusional disorder I had a dream that my brother was raping me and afterwards I was pinning him down to make him admit it and apologise, which was extremely intense and vivid. I woke up at 5am totally freaked out and believed that I had indeed been raped by him and had blocked out the memories somehow and proceeded to lock all the windows in the house as I felt that my circle of spying psychic associates would have realised I knew and would come over to punish or kill me. The next morning I determined with my pendulum it was in fact my father not my brother and that my uncle head of the organisation knew nothing of it.
At one point I came up with the notion that my parents were members and that they had raped me as a child as part of a Satanic initiation ritual. This made me feel very hostile towards my parents. It was around this time that I decided that I ought to change my nameas I did not want to be associated with my father's side of the family and that I would change my surname to the maternal side. I also toyed with the idea of changing my first name.
I also believed that the CFR, the 'rival organisation', was trying to find me, as I was such a great psychic and next in line to take over the O9A (and later IOT or OTO), they wanted to kidnap me and lock me in a room somewhere and force me to perform psychic missions to glean information from rivals. I initially thought it was a good idea to try to read the minds of various famous politicians but 'realised' that they were part of this Illuminati and that if I was detected they would know of my identity and whereabouts and I might then be assassinated or captured.
The web host for my web site was down for about a week due to technical server issues and at the time I believed that members of the host team were doing it deliberately to take down my web site, and that there was a hacker who had gained control of my web site somehow, which I believed was one of my old school friends, as whenever I uploaded the web site files to the FTP server they would disappear. Rather than tech support telling me it was a server issue, I told them that a hacker was in control of my cpanel account, which was obviously not true, but they did not check, nor did they assist me in resetting my password, so I transferred my web site to another web host, which was no mean feat seeing as I was psychotic.
I suffered from auditory hallucinations after a month or so into the disorder. The first occurrence was in the kitchen when I was walking in, I heard the sound of a box crashing down. The sound came from all directions simultaneously and also from inside my head. I had a shock. After looking around for whatever I thought might have fallen down, I could not see anything that might have been to blame, so then believed that it was 'the Troll', the main malicious character in my collection of imagined personas I thought I was in contact with, that had done it either as a demonstration, to teach me new 'superpowers' or just for amusement, which I was extremely annoyed about. Nothing else happened for several weeks but I began having voices in my head. At first I had thoughts in my head for about a week that didn't feel like my thoughts but someone else's thoughts, a bit like my subconscious talking aloud and me listening rather than me thinking the thought myself, even if it was in my voice. The sound would come into my mind from a slightly different location from normal thoughts. However I seemed to be able to guide the general direction of these foreign thoughts to some degree. I had tried to come up with alternatives to using a pendulum so I could try to 'divine' answers in my head whilst in bed rather than just switching off and going to sleep straight away - which were mainly questions about which particular woman of my psychic entourage fancied me the most etc. I was able to get a 'yes' or 'no' answer audibly inside my head after asking the question. In cases where I did not know or was not aware of the answer through 'psychic means' I would hear yes and no at the same time. It wasn't my normal thinking voice but a different sounding voice, and sounded more neutral and unemotional. At its peak, I was going to the toilet to defacate and sat down and started hearing foreign sounding voices, one after the other, saying hello and other things I can't recall. I was guessing which persona they each might be and asked them or joked with them about it, I can't recall if that was out loud or not. It lasted in total for about one or two minutes.
During the last month of the delusional disorder I regularly entertained thoughts of suicide. I gave much thought about how to go about it and thought the only practical means available was to gas myself in my car. I saw no way out and the constant torture was too much. I made a post on facebook about considering suicide, which is more often than not an attention seeking exercise, like everything else of facebook, but I was serious. A former work colleague made a helppful comment that it can seem like there is no way out but it's just a phase and these things pass, which was very helpful, which helped to get me back on track. It was all self-induced by constant use of the pendulum and had I just stopped then it would have been a welcome silence and this did occur to me but I was only able to stop using it for an hour, after becoming very angry with the 'psychic interference', before starting again, so it was evidently an addiction and a reflection of severe OCD and lack of perspective.
Clearly there were very dark themes throughout the delusional disorder and whilst it started off on a feel good vibe and with a slightly new age and gnostic interpretation of my Christian religion, the priorities and themes of the disorder gradually pushed my focus on God to the background. Towards the end of the delusional disorder I had all but forgotten about religion and was fixated on the occult or rather what I believed to be the occult.
I gradually started to work my way out of it, by trying to peel back the unreality of my situation - which was not easy as the tools and naive mind set to help get me out and to break down the unreality were largely the same as those that got me into the miss in the first place - until I eventually figured out that it was all false and I had been psychotic. This did not happen overnight but came in a series of steps, where fewer and fewer 'personas' were involved in the conspiracy. When I 'discovered' the previous circle of people had been false, I immediately created a new circle with different identities and name associations, but with slightly fewer of them. This would occur by being contacted by one or more new personas who would then introduce the next phase. After the previous phase being cleared down I would be waiting for what was next and for the true picture to be revealed this time. A few times I was talking to one woman psychically and realised it was all false and the conversation took a weird turn whereby they would say that I knew she wasn't real, but I replied but I'm enjoying talking to you right now, let's just carry on for a few more minutes, and she replied ok then and then after a short while I would let her go and she would disappear.
After the 'O9A' phase of the delusional disorder came the 'IOT and OTO' phase. In this phase I believed that the IOT (Illuminates of Thanateros) was the main organisation under which all the Satanist groups belonged, and that I'd been talking to the local chapter. This morphed into the local OTO (Oro Templi Orientis) chapter and then after some days morphed back into the IOT again. I believed this organisation was under Skull and Bones control. My family were now not head of the organisation but only at the middle tier. I was 'advised' that becoming a Freemason would be a very bad idea as I could be detected and kidnapped.
In the next phase I believed the organisation I belonged to was actually The Illuminati and not the IOT after all and they were more grass roots and more global than the Skull and Bones, and that delivery men and gardeners etc. were not members, only the true elite, and the philosophy was illuminism, identical to Luciferianism but they didn't like the term. I believed only my immediate family were involved and that no rapes had occurred, that my father was in fact a Freemason and was spying on me to get information about Luciferianism and that he thought I should get into Freemasonry instead. During this phase I realised that all the symbols I had around the house were a delusion and removed them all, and to hide all the orgonite I had around my house, and was to try to keep a low profile. At the end I believed there was just one person or entity involved from the Illuminati and that I knew nothing of the Illuminati, had never been in contact with more than one of its members who had been creating illusion in my mind, or who I could trust.
The overall tone of the delusions became less and less nasty and less Satanic, moving gradually more towards a superficial view of Thelema and Illuminism. At the end, I believed there was only one person involved psychically and that he had singled me out because of my abilities although I wasn't quite sure of his motivations, perhaps it was a form of recruitment. At this stage I believed he had created all these personas previously to confuse me and was projecting illusion into my mind that he pulled out all stops to try to wage full on psychic warfare with me. I believed it was possible to put up psychic defenses around my mind to prevent ingress into my mind using various types of psychic 'programs' but that he had sent out psychic programs to tear down these defences. One of these defensive programs was a type of filter, which would absorb any incoming messages and hold them there, and they could be pulled out and 'read' at will, perhaps in a similar way to an anti-virus program's quarantine.
So I felt I had to create multiple layers of these defences, at first 5, but then 100, and then increased to 200. I tried to increase it to an infinite number of layers, but I felt exhausted the next day with kidney ache so I assumed that the number of lines of defences were too draining on my energy so I reduced them bac down. I could check how far these defences had been penetrated by divination but determined that doing so would in fact create a weakness or opening for his programs to penetrate, so I refrained from checking all too often. I was not using the pendulum very much at all at this stage and every time I got up from a nap or from bed I would check. Sometimes I believed I was looking at a fake view of my defences and they had in fact nearly been compromised. The programs I generated became increasingly self-aware and intelligent and adaptive. I also determined that somehow interference was getting into my mind from a 'wormhole', from elsewhere in the universe, from another dimension or parallel universe, sometimes through the walls of the house. So I had to adjust my programs and commands to clear everything down in all possible places. Still I couldn't understand why just general divination with the pendulum was still as wildly inaccurate as it had been previously with the psychic interference getting through. This went on for about 36 hours. After that I finally realised that this person did not exist and that it was all a fabrication of my mind.
Delusional Disorder Aftermath
This realisation that it had all been a delusion was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I felt very strange about everyone I knew for a brief period because of the previous mental associations I had about them but this passed. I was still able to perform some of the self-treatments on myself with affirmations for about 2 days after the end of the delusional disorder but it didn't work after that. I was still using a pendulum, mainly for nutritional supplement related decisions, but with an affirmation preceding it that I believed in reality not delusion, partly to see if it would work more accurately than before or whether it was still just as wildly inaccurate. I was too paranoid to use my original pendulum for anything for 2 weeks after the end of the disorder and instead tried using other pendulums I had and made one out of a twig. Over time I used a pendulum less and less, relying on my own common sense and mental faculties rather than wanting decisions to be made for me, and hardly ever use it, and when I do, I take the results with a pinch of salt.
In the first couple of weeks I was researching delusional disorder and schizophrenia and determined that my pattern did not fit schizophrenia, and initially looked for biochemical reasons such as amino acid imbalances, and also ways of 'cleansing bad energy' from the various crystals and pendulum I had been using, but it became clear that this approach was misguided and missing the point. I started to have reams about being in a delusion every night which gradually decreased in intensity and frequency over a period of weeks. On waking it felt like something to be me in the past rather than something I felt still caught up in in the present.
I began to look at everything in psychoanalytical terms and became an Atheist. After several months I decided that Atheism was no longer a rational position for me personally, and became an agnostic. I spent about 2 months after the end of the delusional disorder documenting it as I was still trying to iron out what had actually occurred, to define what actually physically occurred and what was only an interpretation or internally experienced was important as in some areas it still felt blurred and I was likely to forget many of the details otherwise. Also I figured this would be a good way for me to analyse the reasons for it having occurred.
After the delusional disorder I still believed that my old cleaner had been trying to look at my computer password manager in the recent past, and that was one of the things that I had actually gotten right whilst psychotic, and it was some weeks later that I realised it was all just paranoia and apologised profusely and explained I wasn't all there and it was nothing personal. I also asked an occultist friend of mine whether he believed it was possible to project illusion into a person's mind. I also still believed that 'O9A trolls' were out to pick on me on facebook for a couple of weeks, although I had only had one running in with a member on my profile prior to the start of the disorder, who had liked my facebook page.
When I next went to see my holistic health practitioner after the disorder, she was telling me that I should only use the pendulum when my ego is below a certain percentage (just how you can quantify that I do not know). We tried an experiment. She 'tested' me for attached spirits and came up with none. Then I thought of a few of the 'personas' I thought I was psychically communicating with previously, and she tested me again and said I had 3 attached spirits. I then blanked them from my mind and tested me again and then no attached spirits. She believed they were literal spirits but I did not, more of a form of an internal invocation.
I told two of my closest Christian friends from my first home group about the whole episode, and how initially I thought I might be schizophrenic (which I wasn't) and they were rather unhelpful and just told me that there are drugs for these things. I decided to tell them I had become an atheist, and after that they ceased all contact with me. I wrote to them several times afterwards to apologise and that I really shouldn't have told them, that it was rude and that I was no longer an atheist (I wasn't specific about what I was instead!) but they still never replied, which I thought was terrible behaviour for long time close friends of 16 years). I am still in contact with the more conservative, level headed leaders of the home group.
I spent about 2 months after the end of the delusional disorder documenting it as I was still trying to iron out what had actually occurred, to define what actually physically occurred and what was only an interpretation or internally experienced was important as in some areas it still felt blurred and I was likely to forget many of the details otherwise. Also I figured this would be a good way for me to analyse the reasons for it having occurred.
In later years a rather out there facebook friend of mine who ran a psychic web site finally went psychotic and believed he was being targetted by CIA psychic weapons. Around the same time he was also trying to lose weight as he believed fasting could help increase his psychic abilities and he was intending on half-starving himself to death, hardly eating for weeks on end. He had also recently been addicted to cocaine and heroin, which he found hard to kick and had escaped from rehab. I tried to reason with him, and that he had no proof of these psychic weapons existing or targetting him, and gave him parallel examples of when I had been psychotic, and he said that he understood my reasoning and appreciated my concern but tha I was wrong and would not listen at all - which is exactly how I had been or would have been if someone had had that same conversation with me during my delusional disorder.